Breaking Dawn Parody
by Permanent Rose
Summary: A Breaking Dawn Parody. What more can I say?
1. Book I

A/N: My way of venting. Don't read this is you have not read Breaking Dawn yet and do not wish to see any spoilers.

SPOILERS AHEAD

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I'm gonna make this three chapters, like how there were three books within Breaking Dawn.

Disclaimer: After reading Breaking Dawn, I'm more than glad to say I am NOT Stephenie Meyer!

-insert some prologue here about Bella whining how she's going to die once AGAIN-

(seriously, all the books open like that. But she never dies! –gasp-)

-So the story begins-

Bella is driving her brand new bullet/tank/bomb/vampire proof car.

Bella: OMC, like everyone is staring at me cuz I'm getting married! The shame, the shame!

Random Guys: Sweet car. Can we get a picture with it?

Bella (because this is in no way awkward at all): Sure

-Flashback-

Bella, Edward, and Charlie sit in the Swan living room.

Bella and Edward: Charlie, we have something to tell you!

Charlie (gasps): You're pregnant.

Bella: Of course not, silly! That comes later on in the book.

Edward (hands wedding invitation): We're getting married whether you like it or not!

Charlie (jumping up and down like a little kid): You get to tell Renee! You get to tell Renee!

-Different Flashback-

Bella: Hi, Mom. I was just calling to tell that I'm marrying Edward.

Renee: That is so exciting, sweetie. I'm just randomly going to change my callous view toward young marriages and suddenly be thrilled that my daughter is getting hitched right out of high school! Congratulations!

Bella: Thanks, Mommy! I knew you'd understand!

-end of Flashbacks-

Charlie: Ouch, Alice! OMC THE BLOOD!

Bella: OMC! Alice, did you just bite Charlie? Now I'm gonna have a vamp father!

Alice: Sorry about that, Charlie. (pulls pin out of Charlie's side) Bella!! You're next!

Bella: No! Don't poke me with pins, too!

Alice: Bella, go to your happy place.

Bella closes her eyes and goes to her happy place, which happens to be on her honeymoon, and I'm gonna stop before this gets graphic.

-Night Before the Wedding-

Bella: I lurve you Edward!

Edward: I lurve you more!

Bella: No, I do!

Edward: No, I do!

Emmett: Get your little vampire butt out here so you can go to your bachelor party.

Jasper: Don't worry, Bella, we aren't taking him to a strip club or anything (laughs evilly.) (SURE YOU'RE NOT)

Bella falls asleep and has random dreams about demon vamp babies.

-Wedding Day-

Alice: Hurry, Bella! We have to get you ready! We only have ten hours until the wedding!!

Alice straps Bella down and applies countless coats of makeup.

Rosalie: I just decided to randomly be nice! Bella, can I do your hair?

Bella: Sure! Your now my favorite sister!

Renee and Esme show up (now best friends) and give Bella random gifts and blah blah blah.

Charlie: Bells, we're up to bat.

Bella and Charlie walk down the steps (Bella manages not trip a single time –gasp- sign of the apocalypse!) Bella and Edward exchange their vows and then kiss (for quite awhile)

-At the reception-

Bella: Yay! I'm glad the werewolves came, but where is my Jacob?

Edward: Hey, I thought you loved me.

Bella: But I love Jacob, too. Remember the complicated love triangle the author has been creating during these past few books?

Edward: Ohh, yeaaahh!

Jacob: (suddenly appears)

Bella: OMC! You're here!

Bella and Jacob dance for like ten songs.

Bella: Guess what, Jake? When Edward and I go on our honeymoon (and I will still be human BTW), we're gonna have sex!

Jacob: Noooooo!

Other werewolf dudes drag him away before he can make a scene.

-Later that night-

Edward and Bella get on a plane. They fly Houston.

Bella: OMC! We're honeymooning in Texas! Sweet!

Edward: Nope! Just a stop!

They go on another plane and then a boat ride and end up at some random island.

Bella: Cool, we're honeymooning at some random nameless island in the middle of nowhere!

Edward: It's not nameless. It's called Isle Esme! Carlisle gave it to Esme as a present.

Bella: OMC! Carlisle bought Esme an island? (mumbles something about crazy rich vamps)

Edward: Let's go skinny dipping! (runs off toward ocean)

Bella: Yay! Wait, doesn't skinny dipping mean swimming completely naked? Oh well (run off toward ocean)

Bella and Edward are skinny dipping and doing what honeymooners do best

-Next morning-

Edward: I'm a terrible person!

Bella (wakes up): Why…wait. Why am I covered in feathers?

Edward: Oh, I bit a pillow or two.

Bella: Um, why?

Edward: Because they taste yumm—I mean, so I didn't accidentally hurt you.

Bella: Too late for that! Look at these terrible bruises!

Edward and Bella argue for a good ten more pages.

Edward: I'll go make you breakfast!

Bella: Make it big! I'm STARVING!

Over the next few days, Bella and Edward scuba dive, swim with dolphins, rock climb, etc. Bella is exhausted and eats all the food. Then she has funny vamp dreams.

Bella: OMC!

Edward: What is it?

Bella: My period is five days late and my stomach has a slight but definite bump! I'm preggers!

Edward (gasp): But how? Don't worry, Bella! Carlisle and I will get that _thing _out of you!

Bella: Oh he nudged me…wait! What did you say??

Bella steals Edward's phone and dials.

Bella: Rosalieeeeee!!

Emmett: Um, no, this is Emmett, but I'll get Rose.

Bella: Rosalieeeeeeeeeeee!!

Rosalie: Um, ok…..

Bella: I'm preggers! But Edward wants to kill our demon vamp child! You HAVE to help me!


	2. Book II

Suddenly, the book is now is Jacob's POV.

And his prologue has something to do with death too (I'm starting to see a trend here)

Jacob: Paul, get your werewolf butt out of my house! I don't care that you just randomly imprinted on my sister! GET OUT!

(Random A/N: Okay, so in Eclipse, Stephenie Meyer says that imprinting is rare and that Sam is surprised how many pack members have already imprinted. And now like all the pack members but like, two of them have imprinted. What's up with that?)

Paul: But I'm too busy eating all your food!

Jacob punches Paul and he breaks his nose.

Jacob leaves and goes to the beach where he finds Quil and Claire (A/N: Awwww! I just love Claire! She's my new favorite character!)

Claire throws rocks at Quil while yelling in her cute three-year-old voice.

Jacob: Man, I feel bad for you. Like, I would NEVER (not in all my wildest dreams) imprint on some random baby.

Jacob leaves and phases cuz he feels like it.

Sam: Guess what? The Cullens are back. Bella is dying from some strange South American disease. Maybe we should send flowers.

Jacob: No, don't you see? It's all an explanation to cover up the fact that she's transforming into a vamp! I must kill Edward!

Sam: Now hold your horses. Even though they broke the treaty and they are our natural enemies, I don't think we should fight back. Do you think Bella would like some cookies with her flowers? I can tell Emily to whip up a batch…

Jacob: (runs off to kill Edward)

-At the Cullen House-

Bella (to her stomach): I love (ow) you, little (ow) vamp baby (ow)

Alice: Hey look, Bella! Someone sent you flowers!

Jacob runs into the room.

Bella: Hi Jacob, my bestest friend who I also happen to be in love with even though I am married and pregnant with Edward's demon vamp child.

Jacob: Hey, Bella, nice to see you—wait was that last part about demon vamp child?

Bella stands up to reveal her swollen belly even though she's only been pregnant for like two weeks.

Jacob (lunges at Bella to kill the demon vamp baby): NOOOOOO!!

Psycho Blonde Vamp jumps in front of Bella.

Rosalie: I must protect the vamp baby cuz I'm gonna steal it and call it my own once Bella dies while giving birth. Muhahhahaha!!

Everyone stares at Rosalie.

Rosalie: Oops, did I just say that out loud? (laughs nervously)

Jacobs cracks some dumb blonde joke.

Rosalie (laughs): Grrr. I mean, I like, already heard that one.

Edward (approaches Jacob like they're good friends and slings his arm around his shoulder): Hey old pal! I need to talk to you. (drags Jacob out to the yard where none of the other vamps can here. Or so they think…)

Edward: So like that _thing _is like feeding off of Bella. She (or Psycho Blonde for that matter) won't let Carlisle destroy it. Maybe you could talk some sense into her. I'll even let her bear your children! Just get that _thing _out of her!

Jacob (A little angel and devil Jacob appear on each of his shoulders): What should I do guys?

Devil Jacob: Go for it! The vamp is offering to let you have sex with her, dude! You'll never get another offer like this.

Angel Jacob: The seventh commandment clearly states that thou shalt not commit adultery.

Devil Jacob: Don't listen to him, dude! What do _you _really want?

Angel Jacob: Thou should doith what is right.

Devil Jacob: But dude, like, you're never gonna get another chance like this.

Angel Jacob: What thou desires is not always the right choice. Think of the consequences.

Jacob: Guys! You're giving me a headache!

Edward: Um, Jacob, who are you talking to?

Angel and Devil Jacob disappear.

Jacob: Um, well…I'll go talk to Bella.

-In the Cullen house once again-

Bella is vomiting. Her stomach is even bigger than it was five minutes ago.

Jacob: Edward asked me to come talk to you and ask you if we can destroy the vamp kid and you can bear my children instead!

Bella: Not gonna happen, Jake.

Jacob: Darn! How did I know you were gonna say that?

Jacob leaves and phases. The pack gets the whole scoop.

Sam: And to think I sent her flowers. We must kill the demon vamp child!

Everyone but Seth and Jacob: Yeahhh!!

They all break into song (remember that one from Beauty and the Beast that goes like "Kill the beast!" That's the one XD)

Jacob: My Alpha senses are tingling!

Jacob suddenly becomes the Alpha. Seth (A/N: I just love that kid!) joins his pack. They go warn the Cullens.

Edward: Hi Jacob. Back so soon?

Jacob: Just a friendly warning that the rest of the pack is headed here to kill the vamp kid and the rest of your family.

Edward: Thanks, old pal. I'll give everyone a heads up. (skips happily into the house)

Jacob: Now what?

Seth: idk

Seth and Jacob: ………

Leah: Hi, guys! I'm here to join your pack cuz I'm in love with Jac—I mean so I can protect Seth and get away from Sam.

Jacob: Oh goody! Now we get to deal with the constant headache!

-At the Cullen House-

Bella: I…see…the…light…NO! Must…go…on…

Rosalie (to self): The demon vamp kid will soon me my mine! Muhahhahaa

Jacob (sees all the machines and Bella's motionless body): Is she dead?

Carlisle: Not yet, but she can't keep down any food. Apparently that vamp kid is a picky eater.

Jacob (thinks): Yeah, I bet all it wants is BLOOD.

Carlisle: Well, I guess I'll go order a pizza. Have you ever heard of anyone who doesn't like pizza? (mumbles to self) Even _I _like pizza.

Edward: Wait! I have an idea! Jacob just thought of exactly what that _thing _wants!

Jacob: I did?

Carlisle: What is it then? (silently hopes its Chinese food cuz he could go for that right now too)

Edward: BLOOD!

Carlisle goes off to the kitchen and comes back with a pink plastic cup with a twisty straw hanging out of it. It even has a lemon attached to the side and a little umbrella bobbing next to the straw.

Carlisle: Drink this, Bella.

Bella (drinks): Mmmm. It tastes like a smoothie. But better. What is it?

Everyone: Ummmm…..blood

Bella (shrugs and continues sipping): Oh well.

-Later that Day-

Esme: I made cinnamon buns for you and your wolfie pals.

Jacob: Ummm…thanks. I'll go give it to them.

Jacob runs off into the woods and dumps them into the river. They go and hunt a tasty deer instead.

-Back at the Cullen House-

Rosalie: Hey, doggie. I made you a steak (hands Jacob a bowl filled with food)

Jacob: Gosh! What is it with these vamps trying to feed me?

Jacob eats the steak then throws the bowl at Rosalie.

Rosalie: Ew. You got food in my perfectly pampered platinum blonde just recently washed hair.

Jacob cracks some dumb blonde joke.

Rosalie (laughs):Grrr. I mean, I like, already heard that one.

-Later On-

Bella is lying on the couch, sipping her "smoothie."

Edward (hears some random thought): OMC! Bella, tell me what you were just thinking.

Bella: Umm…I was thinking about manatees…yeah (A/N: This was completely random. I was trying to think of something strange for Bella to be thinking about and I saw a postcard I recently received that had manatees on it)

Edward: Oh, cuz I thought I heard—THERE IT IS AGAIN! OMC! I CAN HEART _THING _IN YOUR STOMACH!

Bella: You can here what little EJ is thinking?

Edward: You named it?

Bella: Of course I named _him. _

Edward: What if he's a she?

Bella: I've been thinking about that, too. I combined our mothers' names and came up with the hideously ugly name of Renesmee (Spelled with two "e's" at the end to make it look even more exotic.)

Edward (to self): I hope to God that thing's a boy…

Bella: So what is my darling vamp baby thinking?

Edward: Just how much he loves you….awwwww.

Suddenly, all Edward's hostile feelings toward the vamp kid change. They begin talking in sweet gooey voices to Bella stomach

Jacob: I think I'm gonna vomit.

Bella: Well, I need a human moment.

Psycho Blonde helps her off to the potty. Suddenly, a crack is heard, coming from Bella's stomach. She vomits up some blood onto the white couch.

Bella: OMC! I'm giving birth.

Bella gives birth on, like, the floor. Edward chews the vamp kid out of her uterus. There is lots of blood.

Bella: The pain!

Edward: He's a girl!

Rosalie: She's mine!

Bella: Renesmee!

Rosalie grabs the vamp kid before it can eat Bella.

Bella: (is dead)

Edward: No! CPR!

Jacob (being the closest thing to a human) does CPR.

Edward: It's not working (bites Bella)

Bella: Cool. Edward just bit me. Now I'm gonna be a vamp! Wait…aren't I supposed to be in pain? (Suddenly starts screaming)

Jacob: No! It's that demon vamp kid's fault. I know! I'll throw it out the window!

Jacob goes over to steal the vamp kid from Rosalie. The vamp kid looks over Rosalie's shoulder. She flashes Jacob a smile and waves.

Jacob (gravity shifts and all that crap): OMC! I JUST IMPRINTED!


	3. Book III

A/N: Sorry it took me a bit to update. I found this chapter the hardest to write. I wanted to include everything, but not have it drag out for too long. (and sorry if I forgot something. The book is not as fresh in my mind as it was for the other two chapters and my friend is borrowing my copy so I can't check to see if it matches up)

Oh, and I owe a few of my ideas for this chapter to the amazon discussion forums for Breaking Dawn. If you feel like bashing the book, that's the place to go.

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Bella: I am in pain! I'm burning, searing, engulfed in flames! It's unbearable! I can't go on! Kill me now!

(Insert about 10 more pages of repetitive description)

Bella (pain suddenly stops): Whoa. Now I'm a vamp. Everything is clearer. I can hear everything, see all eight colors of the rainbow…wait. Eight? Oh well. Suddenly I am pretty and confident and not clumsy in the least! Those pregnancy hormones must have completely changed my personality!

Bella is suddenly now the most beautiful, most perfect vamp there ever was, despite the fact that she was changed right after giving birth and she still SHOULD have that post-natal body that most women have after having a child. (But wait. That would be too realistic for this novel.)

Bella (catching sight of herself in the mirror): Hello, beautiful!

Edward: I'll take you hunting. (drags Bella away from her reflection with much difficulty)

-In the Forest-

Bella: Those deer smell so yum. No wonder Jake prefers them over Esme's cinnamon buns. OMC! I smell some delicious hikers walking right past here.

Edward: Bella! Don't eat the hikers!

Bella: Didn't even cross my mind. I'm much to perfect to be phased by human blood. BTW, I think one of them was Mike Newton. I don't think he'd be very tasty.

Bella continues hunting and her first victim is a mountain lion (Of course. What else did you expect it to be?)

-Back at the Cullen House-

Edward: Do you want to see your daughter now?

Bella: What daughter?

Edward: The one that you suffered weeks of incisive pain for. She broke your ribs, pelvis, and chewed her way out of your uterus.

Bella: Ohhh, that one! Sure I'd like to meet her!

Edward (prying the vamp kid away from Rosalie's arms. It takes even more effort than it did to pull Bella away from the mirror): Renesmee (if we have anymore kids, I'm in charge of naming) meet your mommy.

Bella: Aw what a sweetie.

Renesmee: -shows Bella the birth scene-

Bella: Whoa, that's just watching it on tape. Edward, now we don't have to buy a camcorder!

Renesmee: -shows more images-

Bella: Just like a movie! Ed, would you mind getting me some popcorn?

Jacob (suddenly appears): Nessie, I will save you from that horrible monster about to suck your blood!

Bella: Nessie? Since when is the Loch Ness Monster part of this book?

Jacob: Oh, it's just a pet name for my future wife.

Bella: Your what?!

Jacob: Oh, don't you know? I imprinted on your daughter.

Bella: What the &#!!#& you stupid !!#&#! wolf!….Wait a minute. I'm supposed to have perfect self-control and all that crap. (tries again) Jacob dearest, of course it is perfectly fine that you imprinted on my daughter.

And so the complicated love triangle is suddenly forgotten.

-Sometime Later-

Alice: Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear, Belllllaaaa! Happy Birthday to you!

Bella: And I thought I'd be able to escape this birthday crap once I got changed.

Alice: I'll show you my gift first!

Edward: But I wanna go first!

Alice: I'll play you for it. Rock, paper, scissors.

Edward: Why don't you just tell me who wins?

Alice: I do. Excellent.

Alice drags Bella off to a random cottage in the middle of the woods:

(A/N: So what I don't understand is why the Cullens are staying in Forks (except for the fact that Jake imprinted on the vamp kid) Isn't someone like Mike or Angela gonna end up bumping into Bella?)

Bella: OMC! You got me a house?

Alice: No. That's Esme's present. Mine's inside!

Alice drags Bella into a closet bigger than the house itself.

Alice (leaving Bella in the closet): I'll leave you and Edward alone now. (winks and disappears)

-Hours Later-

Edward: Bella! Where were you? I've been waiting!

Bella: Sorry. I kind got lost in the there. It's bigger than the mall.

Edward: Well, the kid is with Rosalie, and we've got the whole house to ourselves. (raises an eyebrow suggestively)

Edward and Bella get it going on ALL NIGHT.

(Fade to Black)

-Next Morning-

Bella: Hey, Jake, where have you been?

Jacob: Oh, the usual. Just phasing in front of Charlie and telling him you're a vamp.

Bella: That's nice. So is he coming over?

Jacob: Should be here any minute.

Alice: Bella, you'll need to put in these contacts even though I doubt it will really make your appearance look any more human.

Charlie: Hey Bella! Glad you're not dead! Oh, you have a baby (and you said you weren't preganant…)

Edward: Oh, no Chief Swan! It's my brother's cousin's daughter's second cousin's husband's neice's (who just recently died in car crash) daughter. We decided to adopt her.

Charlie: I'm a grandpa!

Bella: So do you want to hear about the whole me getting changed into a vamp thing?

Charlie: I'd rather not. Hey, let's watch the game.

Emmett and Charlie watch the game.

Charlie: So Emmett, what do you think about the Gators?

Emmett: Love them. Although, I prefer the crocs. They put up more of a fight.

Charlie: Crocs? What college is that?

-The Next Few Months-

The days are filled with giddy happiness. Bella, Jake, and Renesmee go on family bonding hunts.

Renesmee: Look, mummy! I killed a mountain lion.

Bella: Aw, sweetie! That's terrific. (tears up) Your father would be so proud.

Irina (appears so we can get this plot moving and pretend that something is going to happen): Ha! You're so busted! (runs off to tattle to Aro)

-Back at the Cullen House-

Alice (has vision): OMC! I just saw that that Volturi are coming to kill us all. Well, I'm outta here!

Jazz and Alice go poof.

-In La Push-

Sam: Here's the note the little ditching bloodsucker left.

_Gather all the random 372092444362 vamps from around the world._

_Love and Kisses, _

_Alice_

Carlisle: Sounds like a plan. I'll buy plain tickets.

-At the Cottage-

Bella (picking up her copy of The Merchant of Venice): I knew it!

-Several Seconds Later-

Edward: What's that I smell burning?

Bella: Oh, I'm just going through a mild pyromaniac phase right now. Nothing to worry about.

-On a Sunny Tropical Island-

Alice (sipping a pina colada): Ahhh…this is the life.

Jasper (soaking up the sun): Just like a second honeymoon…but what about the hybrid vamp evidence we're supposed to come back with?

Alice: Don't worry. My visions have come in handy. I've known about this for simply _years. _I've got my hybrid vamps pals on speed dial. (pulls out her cell phone) Hey, Nahuel, old buddy! I was wondering if you could do me a favor…

-At the Office of J. Jenks-

Bella: Hi Mr. Jenks. Or should I say Mr. Scott. Or would you prefer J. Or Jason. Or Jason J. Or J.J. Or—

J. Jenks: J will be just fine, Bella.

Bella: Hmmm…I was kinda thinking you could call me Da Vampsta…never mind. Bella will be just fine.

J. Jenks: So why are you here?

Bella: To create a side plot that won't end up mattering at the conclusion of the novel.

J. Jenks: -stares blankly-

Bella: And to get a fake drivers license and two birth certificates.

J. Jenks: Now we're talking…

-Back at the Cullen House-

Bella: WTF? Why are all these random vamps here?

Edward: To built up anticipation for a climax that will never happen.

Bella: Oh! I understand! Sorta like the J. Jenks—

Edward: Who?

Bella: Oops. Just pretend like I didn't say anything.

-Skip ahead to the "Battle" (nothing interesting happens between then and the Volturi's visit anyway)-

A band of cloaked vampires stand in front of a castle hidden in the English countryside.

Harry Potter (thinking to himself that Aro bears a strong resemblance to Voldemort): Umm…can I help you guys?

Aro: Oops. Wrong address. My bad!

-

A band of cloaked figures stand in a clearing somewhere in the Olympic Peninsula.

Caius (to Aro): Are you sure this is the right place this time?

Aro (glares): Of course I am! I map quested it.

Esme: Oh my! I just remembered! I left the oven on! Do you think this will take very long?

Aro (to the Cullens and the other 7112009 other vamps there): Where's the Immortal Kid?

Renesmee (steps forward): I'm not an Immortal Child. I'm a vamp hybrid. (touches Aro's face)

Aro: Whoa. The picture's clearer than the plasma screen we have back at home!

Caius: What are we waiting for? Let's kill the Immortal Child!

Aro: Don't be silly. She's not an Immortal Child. She's Edward and Bella's kid.

Caius: How did that happen?

Aro: Well, when a man and woman love each other very much—

Caius: All right, I get the picture! Can we kill them all now?

Bella: Jake, take the kid and run!

Edward: Goodbye, Jacob, my brother, my son.

Jacob: WTF? Did you just call me your _son_?

Edward: Uh, yeahhh…

Jacob: That's it. I'm calling Dr. Phil.

Volturi advance to kill them all.

Bella protects everyone with her shield power.

Aro: Darn. Love shields never turn out good. Look what happened to Voldemort.

Alice (suddenly appears): I found this other vamp hybrid in South America to prove to you that Nessie won't grow up to be a man eating lava monster or something like that.

Aro: Well, in that case, I guess we can go home now.

Emmett: God, I can't take it anymore. This storyline sucks! I'm off to Hogwarts - at least I'll get some fighting action over there.

Rosalie: I'm so happy there will be no epic battle today. I just got my nails done!!

Caius: Can't we at least kill Irina and make our trip worthwhile?

Aro (shrugs): Sure.

They kill Irina.

Aro: Bye everyone! It was nice seeing you all, even if it was for only 5.894 minutes! (waves)

Caius (mumbles to self): At least we flew coach.

-At the Cottage After All 626381 Random Vamps Go Back Home and Nessie is Nestled in Her Bed-.

Edward and Bella are utilizing the other bedroom.

Bella: I have something to show you. (pulls back her shield so Edward can read her mind)

Edward: Cool, but I'm too interested in having sex to really care. (kisses Bella passionately)

(Fade to Black)

And they all lived Happily Ever After

Leah: Wait! What about me? My character was becoming so developed…

Irina (from the grave): I don't call this Happily Ever After.

Billy: Even Charlie gets Sue. Doesn't anyone care about me?

Stephenie Meyer: Darn it! I forgot about them! Everyone needs to live happily ever after, or else I just might cry. (looks for plot outline) Oh right! I didn't write an outline (not that there was a plot to write one for anyway). Let's see...what can I do...

-Edit-

Billy: Leah, will you marry me?

Leah: Sure, but just so you know, I'm a malfunctioning female. I can't bear children.

Bella: At least you still have a uterus!

Irina and Laurent prance gleefully around Vampire Heaven.

-In Scotland-

Loch Ness Monster (grumbling): I should copyright my name.

-The End-


	4. Breaking Dawn Frequently Asked Questions

A/N: Extra chapter that I just HAD to add. If you guys didn't see, Stephenie Meyer added a BD frequently asked questions page to her site. This is my version of the BD frequently asked questions...

SM: Oh crap! I bet my fans are expecting a question/answer page for  
Breaking Dawn. What should I do? mumbles something about not knowing  
any of the answers herself Now let's see...

What does the cover mean?

The cover?! I just chose it cuz I thought it looked pretty...but my fans are expecting some deep symbolic interpretation! Ummmm -calls Seth- to ask what the little red piece is again... Oh yes, something about Bella being a chess piece...cool. Maybe that could be my next story. I could copy JK Rowling yet again and have a giant chess game! She's gonna end up suing me one of these days...

What does the title mean?

Well, I couldn't use my first choice, Forever Dawn. So I needed to choose another title. I think Breaking Dawn fits the story nicely. I did pretty much break/destroy the whole plot...

What does the Book I prologue refer to?

The demon vamp spawn eating Bella from the inside out. I thought it would be emotional to show the love in that scene -wipes tear away-

Why the big build up for a fight that didn't happen?

Because I was afraid that stealing just one more idea from JK just might push me over the line. Not to mention the fan gurlz that would come and kill me if anyone even moderately likeable died. And on top of that, I'm a big fairy tale fan. I love happily ever afters and all that crap. I thinking about doing a short series title 'Cinderbella' where Bella can't go to the prom because her evil stepsister Rosalie makes her stay home and baby-sit her baby doll collection...

What was the other book besides Midsummer Night's Dream that you said influenced Breaking Dawn?

Rosemary's Baby...I mean Merchant of Venice, heh heh

What happened to Marcus's wife?

Um which one is Marcus again? Oh yes, he's the one who I still neglected to developed...Yeah, his wife, was like, killed by Aro. But that's Aro little secret. Marcus still thinks it was an 'accident' having to do with time traveling mermaids...

How different is Breaking Dawn from Forever Dawn? What changed, what stayed the same, and why? Will you ever post extras from Forever Dawn?

What changed? Nothing! Why do you think it wasn't published the first time? I'm still in shock that it made it past the publishers this time...

Why the name Renesmee?

Well, I really did prefer EJ or Edwacob, but since the whole imprinting thing happened, I had to make the vamp spawn female. (My publishers were very strict about keeping it at a young adult genre) Renesmee is actually a swear word in Farsi, but not too many people know that...

What's the deal with "shapeshifters"?

That's what happens when you don't do your research and make things up as you go along. By the time I realized that the werewolves, were not, in fact, werewolves, New Moon and Eclipse where already published.

What happened to Leah?

Oh, crap! I forgot to mention that, didn't I? She lives a pathetic, pointless existance wondering why I couldn't have hooked her up with Jake instead of him imprinting on the vamp spawn. You know, now that I think about, that would've made pretty good story...

What happened to Sam's father?

He was one of those aholes who leaves the mum for another woman, sort of like the Emily/Leah thing. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree...

Is Billy actually Ephraim?

WTF? What kind of question is that?

Who is Embry's father?

Didn't quite get that far in plot outline. I'll pull another Breaking Dawn (make it up as I go along sort of thing) when I need to.

Vampires and pregnancy: when did that idea occur to you? How does that work?

One word...fan fiction. My little fan gurlz are so creative! I had no idea what to write about so I read through a few fan fictions and stole their brilliant ideas! And how does the whole pregnancy thing work? I dunno...sparklepire sperm?

Why did you decide to end the saga?

Who said I was done? Bella still needs to meet some time traveling mermaids...

How do you feel about the Breaking Dawn controversy?

There's a controversy?

I've heard you say that you think Breaking Dawn should be two movies. Why? Also, that it might be impossible to film. What does that mean?

The birth scene. I don't think they have a rating for uterus chewing...

Is Bella an anti-feminist heroine?

No, just because Bella got married at 18, immediately got pregnant, didn't attend college and doesn't stand up for herself after Edward mauls her while having sex doesn't make her antifeminist...

What are you going to do next? Will you continue with the Twilight universe?

Well, I mentioned my idea for a Cinderbella series earlier on. I was also thinking about doing a time traveling mermaid book. Maybe I could add some unicorns and magical pixie horses while I'm at it.


	5. I Saw Carlisle Kissing Santa Claus

_A/N: So it seems like just keep coming back to this story. I guess I should change it from 'complete' to 'in-progress'_

_Anyway, I didn't write these drabbles. I used a drabble generator (prillalar dot com slash drabbles), that i found through yayme2012's story, Bad Fanfiction. They're sort of like madlibs._

_They greatly amused me, and I hope you enjoy them as well. And when you're done, go to the website and generate some drabbles of your own_

**I'm Dreaming Of A Glorious Christmas**

It was Christmas Eve. Renesmee sat dejectedly in hole, sipping repulsive eggnog.

She looked at the jealous paperclip hanging on the Christmas Tree and sighed. Last year, Jacob had hung it there, just before they looked at each other boastfully and then fell into each others arms and fursploded each others nostril.

If only I hadn't been so hairy, Renesmee thought, pouring a pompous amount of rum into her eggnog. Then Jacob might not have got so pompous and left me all alone at Christmas time. She wiped away a luscious tear and held her eyelash in her hand.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and then a vivacious voice lifted weakly up in song.

_I'm dreaming of a glorious Christmas__Just like a unicorn frolicking across a field of daises_

Renesmee ran to the door. It was Jacob, looking slimy all over with snow.

"I missed you," Jacob said. "And I wanted to fursplode your nostril again."

Renesmee hugged Jacob and started to sob.

"I think you're drunk," Jacob said.

"I think so too," Renesmee said and they fursploded each other's nostrils until they knocked the Christmas tree over.

On Christmas Day, they ate roasted wolf knee and lived innocently until Renesmee got drunk again.

**Gorgous Love**

Bella finished packing. Ever since Edward, her own true love, had been lost at sea, Bella had been ardent.

There was nothing left for her anymore, nothing kissed her, all was dead. So today, Valentine's Day, she was going in a tree to become a chagrined hairbrush.

Just then, there was a grating knock at the door. Bella opened it and stood there nervously for a moment, before falling to the floor in a swoon and bruising her nose.

When Bella came to, Edward was holding his eyelid and looking sparkly. "My love," Edward said boldly, "I'm sorry for the pathetic shock. I've been shipwrecked on an luscious island for the last ten years, living like a dog eating peanut butter. I was only rescued last week." he paused. "I lost my eyelid in the wreck. Can you still love me?"

Bella could hardly believe her Edward had returned. "I will always love you, eyelid or no eyelid. Besides, you can cover it up with a sock."

They embraced irritably and vowed to never be parted again.

And all was ferocious.

**I Saw Carlisle Kissing Santa Claus**

Edward woke up in the middle of the night. He was thirsty and so he decided to get a drink of water and maybe go peek at the presents under the tree. Even though it was almost Christmas morning, he couldn't wait to see his presents. There was one annoying box that looked like a pillow.

Then Edward noticed that Carlisle was out of bed too. He must not have been able to wait for his presents either.

Edward thought that he would surprise Carlisle. Maybe even sneak up behind him and frolic over to him. That always made Carlisle pompous.

Edward crept dumbly down the stairs and into the living room. There was the tree, with its chagrined lights, and the presents, heaped up clumsily, and the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling, and Carlisle. Kissing someone.

Edward was so angry, he picked up a volvo from a table and threw it angrily in the bathtub.

They both looked around.

"Carlisle, you yummy platypus!" Edward yelled. "How could you cheat on me with...with..." Edward looked and then rubbed his neck and looked again. It was Santa Claus.

"Let me explain," Carlisle said. "I came down for a glass of water and then I found Santa here under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "So of course he had to give me a kiss. And what a beautiful kiss it was."

"Well, I suppose," Edward said rapidly. "If he was under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "Why don't you give me a kiss too? Then things will be pathetic."

That seemed reasonable. Edward went over under the mistletoe and kissed Santa.

Santa was the best kisser ever, like an irratible grizzly. He made Edward's nose feel all dead.

"You see?" Carlisle said nervously and Edward saw.

Everybodies presents were late.


End file.
